Commando (1985) [Review]

"Don't break radio silence until they see me." "How will I know?" "Because all fucking hell is going to break loose."

PLOT SYNOPSIS

Retired commando John Matrix wanted to live a quiet, peaceful life after years of war and violence. However, after a band of criminals kill his friends and kidnap his daughter, he has no choice but to lock and load once more in order to stop them.

REVIEW

Believe it or not, this was my first time watching COMMANDO.

Better late than never, right?

Gloriously reeking of 80's cheese, this was Ah-nold's first modern day action hero gig ... and he took the job very seriously. See, in between memorable one-liners, puns and bouts of Tourette's, the Governator essentially shoots, stabs, and face-smashes everyone he meets. Everyone.

Well, except for Rae Dawn "Why Does Everyone Expect Me to Be Asian" Chong's character; he barely even looks at her. What's going on? This is an 80's action movie; you're supposed to get in there, Arnie!

Holy crap, is that a young Alyssa Milano? Why yes, yes it is. Isn't she adorable? Look at those overalls! Those shirts! So much OshKosh.

While "Predator" co-star Bill Duke shines as Cooke, a hitman with the baddest poker face you'll ever see (until a mean right hook to said face, that is), it's co-star David Patrick Kelly who steals the show in this one. He plays Sully, the sleaziest sleazeball ever, and he does so with such aplomb that you can't help but grit your teeth whenever he's on screen. Goddamn was I happy to see him "let go" in the now-famous scene where he's told Arnold "lied".

Oh, we can't forget about Vernon Wells and Dan Hedaya! Actually, Hedaya IS pretty forgettable in this ... so go ahead and drop him. Stick with Wells and his 'stasche if you need to worship anyone.

Making this smorgasbord of chaos and carnage even better is James Horner's sweet, sweet 80s synth score. It's just like a fine wine, really: robust, better with age, and the perfect complement to the film's fromage.

COMMANDO isn't the perfect action film, but it's darned close. So grab a bud and a brew, pop this sucker in, and get ready for a testosterone overdose.

SUMMARY

A film that will remind you why 80's action films are in a league of their own, and why Schwarzenegger was king.

VERDICT

GOOD

PROS